January 25th, 2005

Subject: wow Time: 10:28 pm

my uncle just died. he was 47. FUCK.

comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment

January 13th, 2005

Current Music: muse - black out Subject: the same old shit. Time: 08:36 pm Current Mood: take it all away

everyday im sadder. i know other people have it hard but there are some things that they can never understand my head hurts so bad and im so sick of crying all my life faucets of tears i try so hard and its for nothing it means nothing it never becomes anything more than something.. tonight i was kicked out of area band for missing two practices. i practiced for so long, paid so MUCH for my private lessons, stressed out over the results, for nothing. because her. HER. she wouldnt take me. (im an orphan, my parents are dead) and now that ive been kicked out of area band, like junior regions (yea her fault too) i just have another reason to blur out my 4 tests tomorrow and fail and suck at life more than i already do this shit never ends and it always comes back to them worthless cruel selfish incorrigable digusting DRUNKEN senseless arrogant people i cant even call parents

comments: Leave a comment

January 9th, 2005

Subject: advice Time: 09:32 am Current Mood: lethargic

lately ive been thinking. i want to go college. i want to pursue a career in music, with a degree. im contemplating even writing music. music theory is hard though, very complicated (for me atleast) but i think it just may be worth a few headaches. my sister and i are 5 years apart. this year is her last in college. my family isnt very well off with money, but she got a loan and a few scholarships and she made it. i work at a kennel and have for.. 3 years now. and i love it there. i decided that after i graduate, i want to work a year full time, as assistant manager. which would land me another raise, which would take me to..10 dollars an hour if not more. i want to save for college, get a car, have a good start. my sister went to college with nothing. right now, and throughout college shes had countless financial problems. she still has no car, its hard for her to get her books, her food even sometimes. she tells me how everyone else there has some kind of money and it makes her feel horrible, surrounded with nothing in her pocket. i just dont want that to be me. during the summer i work full time and i make atleast...4 or 5 grand. imagine a whole year? my sister is totally against me doing this, as is the rest of my family ( not including my parents ) they say its my decision, my life, to live how i want. so now i find myself needing advice. do i go straight to college or work for a year, save up, and then pursue? my passion excedes the thoughts of not going to college. my sister thinks i just wont go to college if i work. please comment.

comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment

December 20th, 2004

Current Music: moonlight sonata - CHOPPIN BROCCOLI! Subject: area band Time: 08:16 pm Current Mood: artistic

area band issss...not as hard as i thought it would be. county was alot harder. theres wind ensemble and then symphonic band. i think wind en. is harder. i wish i had a good audition so i wuda made wind that way id be really challenged and theeen.. i could see someone ive been wondering about. long time so see, but theyre stilllll as beautiful as i remember ( but theyll never believe me ) yay practices are at randolph now. ooo tylenol pm...zZzZz

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

December 14th, 2004

Subject: thoughts of the day. Time: 10:47 pm Current Mood: ditzy

at long last love has arrived the clock strikes nine and i pour my heart out like a cup of sleepy-time tea. ---You've always been home to me. ---Since before we met, I've longed for those charming words ---you so delicately wrap my heart in even at this very instance. Home is absolutely, without a doubt, where the heart is.

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

December 12th, 2004

Current Music: garbage - medication Subject: nobody said it was easy Time: 08:31 pm

i must contemplate life everyday. everyday i find myself doing things that i reconsider. im so unsure. why am i here. what am i waiting for. i constantly ask myself what is this for? what will this fix? i can feel hands on my wrists, pushing me down, breaking my bones into the pavement. holding me there, vulnerable to everything. youre everything and youre nothing. youre a fucking whore and a bitch and your friends with the whole world. life is worthless in so many ways. (life is what you make it; what if ur making burnt cookies?) this feeling bites and claws and fucking just tears my soul to shreds and specks. -questions, questions, everyday: why why why ive never broken so many mirrors. never broken so many lights. ive never been so lost. i cant even see in front of my face. cant see where im going, could care less. wandering like a pitiful fool. i cant stop wondering whats [ my ] meaning in life. i could throw my life away. it seems so right, and easy. feeling like a rain drop that never falls. theres no smiley face for wishing you were dead.

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

December 11th, 2004

Subject: fuck clarinet Time: 02:09 pm Current Mood: worthless

im fucking sick of auditions. every audition im prepared as hell. then, my fucking hands start to shake and my breathe is caught in my throat. andd i fuck up. its not fair. i have so much potential and i throw it away every audition. fuck clarinet all together i love it to the brink of exstinction. --- HAHAHAHA... ok this is 4 hrs after i wrote that ^^^^ .i made my auditions. 2nd to last. LOL. dude what if i didn't mess up? id prolly be like 2nd chair 1st.. AAHHH im happy!

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

December 7th, 2004

Time: 10:08 pm

"An entire generation pumping gas, waiting tables, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we dont need. Were the middle children of history, no purpose or place. We have no great war, no great depression. Our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives. Weve all been raised on television to believe that one day wed be millionaires, movie gods, and rock stars. But we wont. Were slowly learning that fact. And were very, very pissed off." --Fight Club

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

December 5th, 2004

Subject: Burr...can't sleep.. Time: 12:08 am Current Mood: ish so cheelay..

It’s cold outside, and a familiar feel travels right back to me. For now I’ll just wrap myself in to the warmest quilt I can find, snuggle close to it and wish it were a someone and not a something… [ Ilongfortouch. ] But I guess the cotton covers of my bed will do for now. -Only for now.- I’m diving into something else familiar, a scent. I can almost taste the rain that would drip down my neck, patter softly on the roof of my chilled palace. I feel someplace calm. A spot which the world finds to be a delicacy to the sunny atmosphere, but really is a war inside each of its layers. So… clueless… My eyes drift around the room. Somethings missing. I mean, theres always something missing but one thing in particular. I light a candle. Much better. It stares at me and I stare back. The fires grip catches me and I'm lifted away. I’m crashing down with thoughts and music. I wonder if anyone feels like I do, hopefully they do. Goodnight, goodnight.

comments: Leave a comment

December 4th, 2004

Current Music: Chopin - piano concerto no. 2 Subject: So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, shouldnt it be the other way around? Time: 09:15 pm Current Mood: dreaming of much love

Black night is falling. The sun is gone to bed. The innocent are dreaming, as you should, sleepy-head. tis the season to be loved. oh im hopeless and alone again. [ "love is like some kind of cosmic practical joke that someone up there, with no sense of humor at all, thinks is funny." ] she floats like pedals in the wind -- yes, im talking about you, love. quick, capricious, and always out of reach it seems. +----------+ im watching one of my favorite movies, "you've got mail." its about these two who ppl start to chat online. they never meet but eventually fall in love. the best twist is though, they think theyve never met but really, in actuality, theyve known each other the whole time and are in competiting business'. I love the quotes! enjoy them as much as i do: "The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall! Decaf! Cappuccino!" "Once I read a story about a butterfly in the subway and today - I saw one! It got on at 42nd and off at 59th, where, I assume, it was going to Bloomingdale's to buy a hat that will turn out to be a mistake - as almost all hats are." "People are always telling you that change is a good thing. But all they're really saying is that something you didn't want to happen at all, has happened." ***my favorite *** "Dear friend. I like to start my letters off to you as if we're already in the middle of a conversation. I pretend that we are the oldest and dearest of friends as oppose to which we actually are, people who don't know eachothers names and met in a chatroom which we both claimed we'd never been to before. What will NY152 say today I wonder. I turn on my computer, I sign on, I wait impatiently as it connects and my chest catches my breath as I hear three little words. 'You've Got Mail' I hear nothing, not a sound on the city streets just the beat of my own heart. I have mail-- from you." *hearts for eyes* best movie ever...if ur a lovey mushy -gush- like me.

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

November 30th, 2004

Subject: New christmas resolution Time: 07:12 pm

Pams new diet! No: Soda Coffee Desserts of any kind (WAH!) Chips or snacks Ready set go.

comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment

November 29th, 2004

Subject: late night optimism Time: 11:33 pm

i should be starting my homework soon yea i know its 11:30 but i had to watch the new harry potter movie... its too late to talk to anyone because they've chosen the road often taken [ sleep ] i find not sleeping quite fleeting. the less i sleep the better i feel, but eventually i know it'll catch up with me. today was designated for dreaming: said the piscean. definately for staying in bed, watching cartoons. im a kid... what else can i say? i just cleaned my room and its a mess. i tried to maneuver my way to the comp and i fucking stepped on my curtains and ripped them off the wall. haha oh well.. who needs curtains anyway? my neighbors like a good show.

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

November 25th, 2004

Current Music: breaking benjamin - home Subject: insomniac Time: 11:46 pm Current Mood: geeky

its almost midnight. i shouldnt of drank that coffee oh... but it was so tempting... Animeartist2000: i could try singing you a lullaby An Anime Girl: do it Animeartist2000: imaaa slaveee for youuuuuuu An Anime Girl: *nightmares*

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

Subject: Hmmm.. Time: 10:51 pm

Thanksgiving was nice and i worked all day but i was just thinking: i hate how highschool feels like the rest of your life.

comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment

November 23rd, 2004

Subject: busy again Time: 07:34 pm Current Mood: aaaah so bored.

It's been a while since I posted so i'll get you up to date. My parents made me quit swim :( They said they didn't want to worry about me having a ride to the meets and to the weekend practices. I think thats total bull, i'm so pissed. The whole reason I joined was to get into shape and stop being a lazy ass. Plus i thought being in a bathing suit would make me less selfconcious and it was working! thats why im so pissed... to make up for it my mom signed me up for ballet lessons. WTF! we didnt even talk about but she figured since i said i wanted to a while ago i still did. my mom did ballet for 10 years for i think shes hoping i can follow in her footsteps. rar.... 40 bucks a month. Now that theres no swim i'm working alot more so thats a plus... I have more auditions coming up ( for clarinet ) area is really soon..two weeks i think. better start practicing more. I wonder if i'll make this one too. county band sucked at first but i think it was just cause i couldn't play the music (its fucking hard) but towards the end the long practices were definately worth it. Even though i miss swim with everything i have now i'm pretty satisfied. --------------------------------------- Work was kinda hectic tonight. Atleast..50 or so dogs,more will be coming in. Work all day tomorrow, then friday morning then all day saturday. i love my job.

comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment

November 19th, 2004

Subject: Memories Time: 09:47 am Current Mood: contemplative

KougetsuMitsukai: career choices so far: 1. Comedian 2. Manga Artist (you better be the first lol-- PROBABLY THE ONLY WA) 3. Vet 4. doing something that hasta do with computers 5. good for nothing writeeeeeer.. KougetsuMitsukai: 6. porn star< if all else fails i miss you.

comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment

November 17th, 2004

Current Music: music are u kidding me? then id be bouncing off the walls. Subject: insomnia Time: 02:08 am Current Mood: I NEED COFFEE FER ME BUNGHOLE!

its freakin 2 AM. wat the hell is wrong with me. can't...sleeeeeeeeep. i was going to get up early to do all the homework I have to make up at like 4 or so. Maybe I'll just stay up. I think I had a dream about swim practice. I can't tell anymore. I think so much I actually wake up thinking. The last thing going on in my head was..and it was weird but, I could hear like..the voices in the locker room at swim practice. Ahhh voices are controlling mee... redrummmmm.. REDRUM. Not being able to sleep grinds away at me. IT'S soooooo annoying, yet it happens so often. And if you have trouble sleeping you know what I mean. You try everything and nothing seems to work, you're laying on your back trying to clear your head but it only makes it worse. The human mind can be such a shitty place. I tried to watch t.v. and when i turned it there was fuckin porn on [AND OF COURSE] i didnt have the sound turned down at all. so my tv is like BLASTING... OH yeeeeeeeeaa, oh babyyyy. I'm like...that's fuckin great. they prolly think i dont have trouble sleeping, that i stay up late to watch the (CRAPPY SoFt CoRe) porn. soft core porn pisses me off. its liek just get to it already. eehh i dont know what i'm gonna do. it's 2:30 now and i'm wide awake. rarrrrr...maybe i'll make coffee. Is it too early for coffee? no its never too early for coffee; even at night...

comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment

November 15th, 2004

Current Music: Classical Piano - Chopin - Nocturne in G minor Subject: Oooo lala.. Time: 11:38 am Current Mood: Soup time.

I love [THESE] Anyway...... It's been..one two three..FOUR days that i've been sick. It's Monday and I can't believe i'm not in school. This makes my 6th absence and my mom won't take me to the docs. Rar. I'm still going to swim though. I don't know where to go or to bring a towel or or...i duno...I'll talk to Amanda later. I bought ProActiv...!... It's going to take a while to get here but it'll be worth the wait. (I hope ) Ahh. I found my ugly old one piece bathing suit for swim tonight. GAH, it looks baddd...a[!3v$fgda'f#^&2jd;@*\w.#!!!!! IM GONNA BEAT THIS DEMON TO THA GROUND. fo shizzle.

comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment

November 12th, 2004

Subject: Whenever it's raining. Time: 09:51 pm

Somehow, loneliness always comes as a novelty to me. Its one of those pains you can bury under layers of your heart, but bloom again whenever it's raining. It's raining tonight. I'm finding lately that i'm in the same spot. Doing the same things. Listening to the same music, feelin the same way. There's no cure for my cold. (not the one in my body, the one that rests like a lazy feline in my mind ) My mornings consist of the same routine. Roll out of bed around 5:30. Take a shower if you don't fall back asleep till 6. Drink alot of coffee even though it doesn't wake you up at all. Start to put on makeup and wonder why you bother, you couldn't look nice if you tried. Putz around until 7 and then run down to the bus stop cause i'm late again, forgetting what i swore i would remember. I need to be shaken not stirred.

comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment

November 10th, 2004

Current Music: Howie Day - At the stars Subject: For all it's worth. Time: 05:48 pm Current Mood: One two three four..

Joining the swim team has become such a hassel. To my parents. My manager wants me to work. I haven't really worked since the summer. One day a week, at the most I think. I love my job. My private music lessons are on thursday nights fall right into swim practice...I'm supposed to be weighing my options tonight. I'm going to take advantage of swim for all it's worth. My abs are bleeding on the inside and i love that. It's hard but I need a challenge instead of draining in the slow-mo. I'll work at the kennel twice a week, on my days off. (Wed and Sun) I'll have to either quit my lessons if my teacher can't get me in before work on wed. I can't remember the last time I wanted something so bad. Tryouts are all next week. I wonder if I have a chance ( ? )

comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment